Making Parenting Time Arrangements

Very small infants are in the first stages of development and in the process of building secure attachments. At this age, they have no concept of the world outside of their immediate environment. It is important, therefore, that they see familiar faces regularly, have their needs met promptly and have firmly boundaried routines.

In the past, it was considered that very small infant should spend the majority of their time with only one parent and that, as a result, they should spend nights only in one household. However, the latest research strongly suggests that it is better for children, even when they are very young, to spend significant amounts of time with both parents and that this should include over-night care in both households. A recent study, endorsed by 110 international researchers and practitioners, concluded that ‘in normal circumstances, the evidence supports shared residential arrangements for children under 4 years of age whose parents live apart from each other.’

When families are living together, normal parent-child relationships emerge from less than full-time care and less than the round-the-clock presence of parents. Full-time maternal care is not necessary for children to develop normally and children’s healthy development can and usually does sustain many hours of separation between mother and child.

Child developmental theory and data show that babies normally form attachments to both parents but that a parent’s absence for long periods of time jeopardises the security of these attachments. It is, therefore important that infants of this age spend significant amounts of time with each parent and that the frequency of time spent with each parent is such that it does not undermine the baby’s attachment to both of its parents.

However, this does not mean that parents should necessarily divide young children’s time exactly evenly between homes. It is important that parents begin thinking about their parenting time arrangements from the position of what will work best in their own individual circumstances whilst ensuring the that an infant’s need for close, frequent and predictable time with each parent is protected.

At this age, children are extending and building their emotional attachment. It is also a period of rapid development in areas such as language and memory and they will be experimenting with touch and sound and will have begun to walk.

It’s important that the bonds between the child and its parents are strengthened through regular time with each. Wherever possible, children should see each parent at least every three days. The time spent with each parent can increase at this stage in the child’s development and overnight stays will work fine.

Try a couple of non-consecutive nights a week plus some longer time at the weekend. Don’t forget to make sure that your toddler has all the important things in their life with them at all times – that means teddies, comfort blankets and other essentials.

Older toddlers will be establishing bonds with a wider circle of caregivers but they will still look to their primary caregivers to provide a sense of security. They will also, at this stage, be developing their hand-eye coordination, language and thinking skills. Remember, though, that this period isn’t called the ‘terrible twos’ for nothing and children at this age will readily throw tantrums.

A pattern of two non-consecutive nights a week with the parent who is not providing the main day-to-day care, plus one weekend every other week might work well. Try to limit the tantrums by making hand overs as quick and business-like as possible and try to keep things like bed times the same in both houses. Strict routines will work for everyone.

Young children at this age are starting to become more independent and will have a basic understanding of relationships between different people. Their language skills will be better developed and they will have a basic grasp of time. They won’t, however, be able to understand the concept of divorce or separation.

One way to help your child to understand the parenting time pattern is to make a time chart with pictures to show what they will be doing on what day. A picture to represent mum and a picture to represent dad will allow them to see the routines that you have set.

Children at this age are much more comfortable with spending longer periods of time away from their main carer. This means that two or three consecutive nights a week with the other parent are usually fine.

Try to help them to understand the parenting patterns through language and pictures. A pre-bedtime phone call to the other parent might help your child to adjust.

At this stage in their development, children are starting to become more independent and are more comfortable exploring the world away from their parents. They will also be able to understand the separation better and how it affects them.

They may also be more concerned about fairness and feel that they have a responsibility to be with both of you. Make sure that you reassure them that you are both fine with the arrangements that you have made, whatever they are.

Parenting patterns can involve longer periods with and away from each parent without it affecting a child’s sense of security. Regular consecutive nights in both homes will be fine. As children grow, longer periods with fewer changes will often work best.

Make sure that your arrangements take account of your children’s growing engagement with the outside world. They will have friends to spend time with and clubs to attend and these are important parts of their development.

Younger teens may still have quite an investment in home life but, as they become more mature, they will increasingly see the world outside of home and family as being where they want to be. This is a normal part of the separation process that teenagers need to go through in order to become independent adults capable of negotiating the world for themselves. They will also learning about relationships with their peer group and will start having more serious boyfriends and girlfriends.

The trick with teenagers is to get the balance right between flexibility and routine. However old and mature your teenager thinks they are, they still need parental boundaries around them. These should be relaxed as they get older. Children of this age will be able to work with most parenting time arrangements as long as they fit in with their busy social lives! Be prepared to be flexible.

If you have had fairly rigid arrangements up to this point, now is the time to think about changing them. Don’t be hurt if your teenager wants to spend less time with you. It’s not personal, it’s just a part of their development into adulthood.

If you find that you are seeing them less, try staying close via email or offer set piece events like a trip away or a day shopping or go-carting as a way of staying involved. Increasingly, it’s quality rather than quantity that counts.