How will my children feel?

It’s a common misconception that babies are not affected by the divorce or separation of their parents. This is because it can be very difficult to spot the signs of distress and anxiety and, also, because they can’t tell you how they’re feeling. It’s important to remember that experiences that happen in the very early days, weeks and months of a child’s life will have a profound influence on the rest of their lives. Family separation can impact very badly on babies and pre-verbal children.

There are two main causes of distress in children of this age. Firstly, babies pick up on the emotional atmosphere around them. If their parents are angry or depressed then the world will feel like an uncertain place for them. Secondly, one of the ways that children learn to feel safe in the world is through experiencing the predictable reappearance of significant carers after short periods of absence. If a significant adult who was very present in their life is suddenly not around, this will cause them to feel anxious.

Babies will also be affected negatively by things like changes in routine, a change in carers and a change of surroundings. So, for example, moving from one house to another frequently will be difficult for them as the need for continuity and familiarity is strong. Frequent moves and moves that don’t fit around your baby’s immediate needs will also cause them problems. They need to be able to eat when they need to eat and sleep when they need to sleep. Sleep routines are also essential for babies and they require familiarity in order to be able to deal with developmental stages.

Signs of distress

Look out for things such as your baby not settling to sleep, disturbance in eating patterns, excessive crying and needing to use a dummy more often than usual. Also take notice of how your baby responds to the world around them – do they seem withdrawn? Are they interacting normally with adults or other children through smiling and eye contact. In older babies, look out for sign of regression such as going back to nappies when they have moved beyond them or increased clinginess.

Things that help

Wherever possible, try to make your baby’s sleep routines as similar as possible. Using the same cot blanket, the same washing powder and the same comforters will all help your baby to feel safe. Try to stick to your baby’s other daily routines such as nap times and meal times and think about things like giving your baby the same foods which ever parent she’s with. To help your baby to stay emotionally and psychologically secure, it’s important that you give plenty of cuddles, smiles and good eye contact. Try talking to your baby in a calm reassuring tone. You can even read her stories.

Things to avoid

Don’t expect your baby to manage too many transitions each week. Don’t put your baby into a new child care situation at the same time as expecting her to adjust to living in two homes and try not to have new people involved in taking care of her – you’re trying to cause as little disruption as possible. The fewer the additional changes, the better.

This can be a tricky time even without the added complication of family separation. Toddlers and younger children will inevitably go through a period of difficult behaviour – often called the ‘terrible twos’. But changes in the behaviour of children who are dealing with family separation are likely to be even more marked.

Children may noticeably display anger and sadness. There is often increased tearfulness. Some boys may become restless and withdraw whereas others will become disruptive and even aggressive towards either adults or, more often, their peers. There is a danger with older girls within this age group that they will try to take care of their parents and become ‘little adults’. Girls who are allowed to do this suppress their own feelings and don’t get the chance to deal with their own experiences. Children of this age may also show regressive behaviour like bedwetting, clinging or thumb sucking.

This stage in your child’s development is full of important markers and children should be as free as possible to concentrate on achieving them. This is the stage when children are making rapid progress in language skills, are learning how to socialise with those around them and discovering new ways to manipulate the physical world around them.

Signs of distress

Look out for signs of regressive behaviour. Your child will very often start behaving like a younger child again. You might find that he wants to be rocked, cuddled, wrapped up, spoon fed or even bottle fed. He will often look for comforting objects from the past such as a dummy, a favourite toy or blanket. Look out also for nightmares, sleep disturbances, prolonged bedtime routines, demanding and crying about seemingly unimportant things. Keep an eye open for increased aggression and being oppositional more than usual for the age group with you or playmates. He may also display his distress through breaking things or drawing on walls and may be reluctant to leave you to go to school or nursery.

Things that help

The important thing is to understand that this is not a child being deliberately difficult but a child in need of reassurance. Take his feelings seriously and, if he needs babying for a while, that’s okay – hold him, rock him, cuddle him and even spoon-feed him. Allow him to use a bottle for a short time and let him have a dummy or other security object if that’s what he needs. Be patient and understanding and offer him as much reassurance as possible. Make sure that he knows that he’s loved and cared for. Regressive behaviour will stop when the world feels safe again.

Things to avoid

Watching your child regress can be very irritating. Having him demanding to be picked up or cuddled, or having him follow you all around the house can increase any sense of stress that you are feeling. But, however irritated or frustrated you feel, try not to show it. It can be hard to avoid telling your child to stop being silly and grow up… try not to. At the same time, it’s important not to overindulge your child as a way of alleviating feelings of guilt. Buying things, making promises that can’t be kept or ‘spoiling’ him will make things worse rather than better. Just allow him to regress for a while, offer plenty of reassurance but keep things as normal as possible.